Self-Esteem - How to Turn I'm Not Good Enough, into I'm Un-Stoppable by Beth Banning

Do you ever worry that you're not good enough, not smart enough, or you simply don't have what it takes? Do you ever worry that this is keeping you from achieving the things you want most in your life?

According to a recent report by the Priory Group, entitled I'm Not Good Enough, millions of British women suffer from low self-esteem, which in turn adversely influences their mental health, relationships, work, and overall quality of life.

How many of these statements apply to you?
1. I don't think I'm good enough to get the things I want.
2. Sometimes I feel worthless.
3. My needs don't seem to matter to other people.
4. I worry about what other people think of me.
5. Now and then, it seems like there's something wrong with me.
6. I have to do everything myself. It's like I'm all alone.
7. I'm powerless (weak, not safe, helpless).
8. At times I can't take care of myself in challenging situations. 9. I have no choice because...
10. I'm unlovable (unworthy)

If more than one of these statements rings true to you, you're not alone. These limiting beliefs are one result of how we interpret unpleasant experiences from our past. However, that's not the only way we come to believe that these statements are true.
Have you ever heard someone say that one of these statements was true about you? Even though that doesn't make any of these statements "THE TRUTH", the impact of believing such a statement can have serious consequences on our self-esteem.

On the other hand, people's self-esteem has never improved just because people made positive statements about them. In fact, many who work in the field now agree that self-esteem fans tend to go overboard when they recommended that children should be praised to make them feel good, regardless of their effort or motivation.

These people seem to focus on self-esteem as a goal, rather than a by-product of one's confidence in their ability to achieve what they want for themselves. Some people describe this as "competent behavior", which is just another way of saying that your actions produce the results you want.

So how can we learn to build self-esteem, if self-esteem (or self-worth) is just a byproduct of self-confidence? The shortest path to building your sense of confidence, is to experience your actions producing the results that you want.

Unfortunately, each limiting belief that we have adopted along the way becomes an obstacle. They prevent us from investing the time and energy it takes to develop enough competency in our skills to achieve the level of confidence we need to produce the self-esteem that we desire.
The first step down the path of raising confidence consists of transforming these limiting beliefs that prevent us from developing new skills or honing the ones we have already developed. Sound impossible? Actually, transforming these beliefs may actually be easier than it seems.

To transform limiting beliefs you start by putting out the painful fire of your judgments. What are we taught to do when faced with fire? We're told to Stop, Drop and Roll. How does the Stop, Drop and Roll method apply to the transformation of our limiting beliefs? Stop and listen to the warning signals -- Drop the judgments -- Roll out a new plan.

Stop
Start with of the practice of being aware of how you feel. Use any feelings of discomfort as a warning bell. When you feel uncomfortable in any way, stop what you're doing and identify the judgmental thoughts in your head. Write them down while you're thinking of them or as soon as you can get to a pen and paper.

Drop
The only way to drop your judgments is to start translating them into the truth of what's important to you. Once you identify the uncomfortable judgmental thoughts, it's time to figure out the values you hold dear that are buried within those judgments.
For example, "I'm not good enough to get the things I want" might be translated into the important values of accomplishment, effectiveness or even a deep desire to contribute. Now try saying that to yourself, "I deeply value accomplishment." Can you feel the difference?

Roll
Once the painful fire is out and you are clear about what's most important to you, it's time to roll out a new plan. Identify at least two actions you can take that will support you in creating the things that you value.

Once you've mastered the Stop, Drop and Roll technique, you're well on your way to building your self-confidence and re-energizing your self-esteem. If you'd like to learn even more personal growth skills that can be used to build your self-confidence, sign up for our free motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928

Each tip will help you in your quest to live the life that you've always wanted.
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The Biggest Single Confidence Killer by Elaine Sihera

The desire to control is central to all of us. It is tied up with our need for security. Without control we feel lost and at sea, insecure and vulnerable. The need to control our future, our environment, the consequences of our actions, our children, homes, money and other people is what keeps us going. Personal confidence is increased if we believe we are 'in charge' and 'on top of things', i.e. in control. Once we have command of people and resources we are seen to have power.

But what is power, and is control the essence of power?

There are two types of power: personal and professional. Many people associate professional power with wealth, having the right connections or being able to influence the lives of a lot of people. In fact, real power is none of these because they are all transitory and depend on too many external factors for their maintenance. If you are rich, the money doesn't automatically give you power. It gives you the freedom and independence to decide your future, to establish your own lifestyle and possibly to recruit people to assist your endeavours. Your money may be able to help you to buy anything under the sun but you have limited power if there is just one person who could prevent you doing what you truly desire, or if your peers deny you respect.

Knowing the right connections, i.e. using other people to help you up, is no power at all. It is actually a tacit admission that you cannot make it on your own and ultimately renders you powerless because your future is always in the hands of others. There will be favours that you owe them so you will forever be obliged to them for their help. It might boost your status to be associated with a particular person or social group, but it robs you of real independence, personal pride and the will to succeed on your own. To remain in their favour, you have to play the rules of their game, which reduces your options appreciably and any influence you may have to decide your own actions.

Finally, being in charge of other people, even if you were president or prime minister, does not give you power per se. It would give you status and influence, but no real power. True professional power comes from authority; the authority granted by others which we can never take onto ourselves. Without it there is no power. For example, George Bush(USA) and Tony Blair(UK) might still be President and Prime Minister, but their power has been noticeably eroded since they've been in office because of their unpopular actions on the Iraq war. Their authority has been reduced because of those actions. Dictators have no authority to rule either and so take power by force. They can only maintain that power by continued force and repression because their action would have stirred deep resentment. The minute there is a slip, someone with real authority will be waiting to take over.

The Origins of Personal PowerPersonal power comes from being able to act upon choices and to make decisions which can affect your daily routine or your whole future. If you cannot make a decision which controls your own life, without someone else's approval, agreement or permission, you have very little power. If you cannot act upon the various options available, selecting the ones most suitable and beneficial for you and those who matter, you have no personal power. If you lack the belief in your abilities and the faith in your capacity to affect your life positively, you will be unable to fulfil your potential and you will feel powerless to act in influencing your direction.

Our level of confidence is also determined by the degree of control we believe we have over our situation, both personally and professionally. If we perceive ourselves to be impotent, having little power to change circumstances to suit ourselves, or to increase our personal enjoyment, we gradually lose confidence because others come to see that impotence too. With a loss of power comes the belief that we are not as good as others and that thought carries acute low self esteem with it.

Personal power is very important for building confidence and boosting self-esteem because it is the feeling of certaintly that we have the freedom to do anything we want, and the capacity and the means to do it, which makes us feel truly alive. The limits if such power are dictated by those who can stop us in our tracks. Absolute power comes from having the authority to act, yet not having to answer to any superior. On a personal basis, such power comes from a love of ourself, belief in our capabiities and the faith to know that everything is possible in our life.

A lack of personal power is thus the biggest killer of our confidence. It continually lowers our self esteem and keeps us in a state of weakness and impotence. In short, feeling powerless in our life keeps us invisible, vulnerable, unhappy, dependent and uncomfortably exposed.

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone and http://www.elainesihera.co.uk) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a CONFIDENCE guru and a consultant for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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